negative consequences that work!

When a parent is consistently positive, loving and rational and when a child has "cooperative genes," there is less need - sometimes no need - for discipline that involves negative consequences (punishment). But, sometimes parents neglect the 80-20 Rule (see "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice" - the ideal ratio of good-bad feeling communication in parenting) and/or sometimes children have challenging genes (i.e. are "spirited," "difficult," "defiant," or otherwise not inclined to cooperate). Sometimes, despite normal parents and normal genes, kids just don't listen! Sometimes, there is a need for discipline.

On those occasions when discipline is necessary, it's essential to be able to carry it out without anger. The form of discipline called the 2X-Rule, is especially designed to eliminate parental anger.

It works like this:
1. Ask a child to do something (i.e. "Please turn off the computer now").
2. (If he doesn't comply) ask again and give a warning (i.e "I asked you to turn off the computer and if it isn't off by the time I return to this room in three minutes, then "such & such" will happen).
3. (If he doesn't comply) quietly and briefly give the consequence (i.e. "I'm sorry - such and such will have to happen now.")

When a child's particular misbehavior is repetitive or chronic, the 2X-Rule works like this:
1. Give an "information statement " in the form of "We don't do X because of Y. We do Z instead." (i.e. "We don't leave our toys on the floor, because someone might trip on them. We put them away where they belong.)
2. The next time the behavior occurs, repeat step 1 and add, "From now on, when you do X, "such & such" will happen.
3. On the next occasion that the behavior occurs, quietly and briefly give the consequence.

Notice that a child only receives a consequence if he or she wants to. With the 2X-Rule, the child is offered the choice to comply with the parental request/rule or to have a consequence. A child is never punished without being offered this choice and therefore, it is up to the child, not the parent, whether or not a punishment will occur. A negative consequence is given on the third time the child performs the inappropriate behavior.

The question that people most often ask me is what is "such & such?" What are effective consequences?

Here are 5 categories of consequences and some examples in each category. They are in random order - pick a consequence for your child that would be comparable in "price" to an adult's one-hundred dollar speeding ticket.

1. Removal of Possessions - take away something for up to 24 hours but for as little as one or two minutes - whatever would be worth $100 to the child. For example: remove a toy that the child is currently playing with, remove favorite shoes/shirt etc, remove something the child collects, remove a favorite toy (even if the child is not currently playing with it), remove books, games, electronics, cell phones, etc.
2. Removal of Privileges - don't allow the child to do what he or she is normally allowed to do, for up to 24 hours or as little as a few minutes. For example: the child is not allowed to watch t.v., use the computer, use the telephone, go out of the house, play in the same room as a sibling, go somewhere with you, stay up till her regular bedtime, wear something she normally wears, make social arrangements, listen to bedtime stories, help you cook, come on a family outing, etc.
3. Removal of non-nutritious food items - remove one serving of "junk food" per consequence. For example, the child loses his dinner dessert or his sweet school snack or his afternoon snack.
4. Time-Out - the child spends a few minutes (the number of minutes of his age, plus or minus 2) in a boring location. For example, children 4 yrs old or less, sit in a "thinking chair" while children 5-9 can stand looking at a wall (or corner). Bedrooms are not a suitable location for time-out (although they can be used for "renewal time" - an opportunity to go to a quiet place to calm down if upset).
5. Addition of Work - increase work for the number of minutes of the age of the child, plus or minus 2. For example, an 8 year old child who routinely fails to put his bicycle away, may have to do 6 minutes of yard clean-up each time he leaves the bike out; "over-learning" is a form of addition of work, in which a child performs the desired behavior a number of times in order to learn it - for example, the child with the bike problem may be asked to put the bike in the shed, take it out, put it back, take it out etc for 10 rounds; finally, writing out things is a boring consequence that replaces time-out for older kids. A 10 year old who raises her voice to her parents may be asked to write out about 10 minutes worth of something (lines, an essay, a page from a relevant or irrelvant book, etc) each time she shouts.

What happens if the child doesn't cooperate with the punishment? See Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice (book or CD series) to find out!

Happy Parenting!

Sarah Chana