On those occasions when discipline is necessary, it's essential to be able to carry it out without anger. The form of discipline called the 2X-Rule, is especially designed to eliminate parental anger.
It works like this:
1. Ask a child to do something (i.e. "Please turn off the computer now").
2. (If he doesn't comply) ask again and give a warning (i.e "I asked you to turn off the computer and if it isn't off by the time I return to this room in three minutes, then "such & such" will happen).
3. (If he doesn't comply) quietly and briefly give the consequence (i.e. "I'm sorry - such and such will have to happen now.")
When a child's particular misbehavior is repetitive or chronic, the 2X-Rule works like this:
1. Give an "information statement " in the form of "We don't do X because of Y. We do Z instead." (i.e. "We don't leave our toys on the floor, because someone might trip on them. We put them away where they belong.)
2. The next time the behavior occurs, repeat step 1 and add, "From now on, when you do X, "such & such" will happen.
3. On the next occasion that the behavior occurs, quietly and briefly give the consequence.
Notice that a child only receives a consequence if he or she wants to. With the 2X-Rule, the child is offered the choice to comply with the parental request/rule or to have a consequence. A child is never punished without being offered this choice and therefore, it is up to the child, not the parent, whether or not a punishment will occur. A negative consequence is given on the third time the child performs the inappropriate behavior.
The question that people most often ask me is what is "such & such?" What are effective consequences?
Here are 5 categories of consequences and some examples in each category. They are in random order - pick a consequence for your child that would be comparable in "price" to an adult's one-hundred dollar speeding ticket.
- Removal of Possessions - take away something for up to 24 hours but for as little as one or two minutes - whatever would be worth $100 to the child. For example: remove a toy that the child is currently playing with, remove favorite shoes/shirt etc, remove something the child collects, remove a favorite toy (even if the child is not currently playing with it), remove books, games, electronics, cell phones, etc.
- Removal of Privileges - don't allow the child to do what he or she is normally allowed to do, for up to 24 hours or as little as a few minutes. For example: the child is not allowed to watch t.v., use the computer, use the telephone, go out of the house, play in the same room as a sibling, go somewhere with you, stay up till her regular bedtime, wear something she normally wears, make social arrangements, listen to bedtime stories, help you cook, come on a family outing, etc.
- Removal of non-nutritious food items - remove one serving of "junk food" per consequence. For example, the child loses his dinner dessert or his sweet school snack or his afternoon snack.
- Time-Out - the child spends a few minutes (the number of minutes of his age, plus or minus 2) in a boring location. For example, children 4 yrs old or less, sit in a "thinking chair" while children 5-9 can stand looking at a wall (or corner). Bedrooms are not a suitable location for time-out (although they can be used for "renewal time" - an opportunity to go to a quiet place to calm down if upset).
- Addition of Work - increase work for the number of minutes of the age of the child, plus or minus 2. For example, an 8 year old child who routinely fails to put his bicycle away, may have to do 6 minutes of yard clean-up each time he leaves the bike out; "over-learning" is a form of addition of work, in which a child performs the desired behavior a number of times in order to learn it - for example, the child with the bike problem may be asked to put the bike in the shed, take it out, put it back, take it out etc for 10 rounds; finally, writing out things is a boring consequence that replaces time-out for older kids. A 10 year old who raises her voice to her parents may be asked to write out about 10 minutes worth of something (lines, an essay, a page from a relevant or irrelvant book, etc) each time she shouts.
Happy Parenting!
Sarah Chana
5 comments:
When I read this, I thought "This is too simplistic" yet when I tried it on my six year old daughter over the weekend, I was amazed at how quickly she caught on - and I saved my voice. What great advice!
I know for myself, and my friends who are also parents, the hardest thing is sticking to our guns. So often we mean what we say at the time and then cave in out of this feeling that we either got the message across without having to deliver or out of a feeling of guilt spawned by our depriving our kids of something thye want. Any tips for how we can actually follow through on the consequences?
This advice sounds suspiciously like 1-2-3 Magic, a popular parenting method which can be explained through the book or video of the same name. Older children (aged 5+) can also sit on a time-out step/chair and watch what everyone else is doing, rather than stare at the wall as this way he/she will see what they are missing. Writing lines does not link the consequence to the crime--it teaches the kids to write vertically...
Richard, in terms of following through with parenting, rather than letting the fatigue overwhelm you, try looking at it like this: When you change your behaviour or parenting, your children are going to dig their heels in and act worse for the short term to test if the changes are going to last. If you stick to your guns, the kids will be forced to change their behaviour in the long run. You can tell your children the magical rule of three--the first time you are warned, second time you are warned and told that you will be put on a time out and the third time, time the child out--remember the time out does not officially start until child's behaivour is under control (no screaming, etc). At the end of the time out, you need to talk tot he child about what they have done, your expectations, and that if they fail to follow through again, they will be timed out again. For time outs, you can put child in their room, on the stairs or on a time out chair. For preverbal kids, hold them on your lap, but don't pay attn to them (talk to them, give kisses) for the amount of minutes of their age. (ie 3 yrs, 3 minutes)
This is an approach similar to one that I have always instinctively used with my children. It is rather effective with my 7 year old daughter, who is very calm and rational for her age. My 10 year old son, however, is very emotional and melodramatic. Despite warnings of consequences, he often does not comply with requests; when the consequence is delivered it is not performed quickly and calmly, due to his wriggling and crying on the floor. Any suggestions?
It really doesn't matter if the child wiggles, squiggles, screams or laughs - the only thing that matters is whether the child's targeted behavior (the one the parent is trying to modify)is improving over time. The 2X-Rule is not meant to work immediately. Rather, after the child experiences the negative consequence on 3 or 4 occasions, he or she should be starting to change for the better. If not, the parents should drop the consequence and select a completely different one. That should then be employed on 3 or 4 occasions and monitored for its effectiveness. The idea is that there should be lasting improvement established over the course of a few days or weeks.
As for having trouble carrying out consequences consistently - this problem is generally completely eradicated when parents are using the 80-20 Rule - the foundational rule in parenting. The 80-20 Rule removes parental guilt. It ensures strong, lasting, loving relationships. And, it almost totally erradicates the need for traditional discipline, including the 2X-Rule. In fact, it puts discipline in its proper place in parenting - in a tiny, rare spot. If you're not familiar with this rule, look it up in Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice (book or CD set).
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